Banana Story - Revamped

The online orders were trilling, the phones were ringing, pizzas were flying out of the oven, and drivers were running to keep up with the rush. Shouts were called out every two or three minutes: “Run up!” or “Clear! Three minutes!” or “Bubble!” In the middle of everything, a coworker paused, "Have you ever delivered to the banana?" I gasped in surprise, "Yes, I have! Is that where you're going?"

In the pizza delivery business we meet a variety of folk from all different walks of life. In my four years with Dominos Pizza I've definitely had my share of the crazy. I've had a woman hiding behind a cracked door, covered in a blanket; a house with no lights at all; children running out to hug me; customers angry that I need to see their credit card with identification; and I've visited several strip clubs. But delivering to the banana man tops them all.

For each delivery our drivers have a printed tag with all of the customer's information on it: order, name, address, phone number, etc. There is also a section for special directions to assist the driver to arrive in a timely manner. There are notes like "second house on the left" or "walk path to side of house." When customers order online, they have complete control over what is written in that section. Customers have been using this feature as their own personal creative outlet. We get some interesting directions since this has become more popular; sing all opera at the door, roar like a bear, wear your wedding dress. We consider ourselves to be a fun bunch, so we try to humor them whenever we can. Most of the time the directions will tell us to draw something on the pizza box. I once drew a pretty rockin' T-Rex with a jet pack. I was proud of it, anyway.

One day I picked up a delivery order and the directions on the tag read, "Do not feed banana." I stared at it for a few seconds, wondering if I had read it right. I shared it with my coworkers, trying to find more information on if it was serious or not. Maybe they had a dog named Banana? Finally, I just decided I would see what it meant when I got there. That sort of thing happens a lot: I'll get directions on a delivery tag that make no sense whatsoever, until I arrive on location and everything becomes clear. So I took the banana delivery.

It was a house I've delivered to several times before. It's just a bunch of college students renting together. They're always nice. I knocked on the door and waited for my mystery to be solved. When the door opened, I found myself face to face with not a dog named Banana, but a grown man (young adult, I suppose) in a children's banana costume. There was a brief moment of us just looking at each other, I in shock, he in expectation. He then reached his arms out frantically for the food, silently wanting me to hand it over. Of course, I had my directions and they were now very clear. I pulled back the food and said, “I have been directed not to feed you.” His eyes went down and he slumped in sadness, but then perked up again and once more tried reaching for the food. As he did so, someone came running around the corner, pushing the banana-man away and screaming, "NO! No, Banana! No food for you! You do not get pizza. Get back! Go away!" The banana-man ran away in terror and I completed the transaction with the mostly normal, non-banana-man, receiving a lovely five dollar tip for playing along.  

Do Not Enter

Knock-knock-knock.
"Come in!"
Knock-knock-knock.
"Come in!"
...
"mumble mumble... There's a reason I say come in."

The door opened and there in front of me was a woman in a wheelchair. I apologized and let her know that I don't generally walk into the customer's home, even when he or she asks me to. After my explanation she continued to chastise me. "You're delivering in Eugene," she ranted. "It's not like it's New York City or anything." I again apologized and said that I have a very dangerous job, no matter where I live, and I can't let my guard down. Throughout our entire transaction she yelled at me and complained at me about not wanting to enter her home. She even said it won't be a problem anymore, hinting that she wasn't going to be ordering from us again.

No tip.

Really?

Most people I talk to are completely understanding of my safety measures.  One can never be too careful. However, this isn't the first time I've encountered someone who was totally offended that I didn't want to cross the threshold.  Recently, a man accused me of excessive paranoia and pointed to his children making a sarcastic joke that they were messed up and were going to get me.

Driving jobs are one of the top ten most dangerous jobs already. Add on top of that the fact that I am alone, knocking on countless doors at all hours of the night, interacting with various types of people. My family already fears for my safety. I see news stories of delivery drivers getting robbed at gunpoint, or even killed.  I've even seen these stories in my hometown. There is no way I am entering that home.
I honestly don't understand the self-centered attitude of some people.  I understand, at first, being slightly offended at not being trusted. However, after I explain that it's for my own personal safety, that should be enough to back off.

When people start nagging at me to go into their homes after I already say no, my next reaction begins to be, "Why is it that important to you that I go in?"

Leave the Light on for Me

It was a dark and stormy night.......

No, this does not count as having a porch light.
http://thefieldlab.blogspot.com/2010/11/new-led-porch-light.html

No, not really.  Just a really, really dark night.  A while back I took a delivery to a house on a very dark street.  I don't remember why it was so dark.  I don't think there were any streetlights.  The night itself was really dark.  I slowed down looking for the correct house to deliver to.  I knew it was going to be on the left side because of the house number I was going to.  Let's pretend it was 1943 for storytelling purposes.  To get an idea of where I was at in numbers I tried to find as many as I could.  There were a lot of dark houses, so I couldn't see the numbers very well.  2051... 2013... 1985... 1903. Crap.  I missed it.  So I turned around to go back, driving a bit slower and really searching out numbers.  I searched the address on the map on my phone and stopped when it told me I was in the right place.  This particular address didn't have a "street view" option, so I couldn't go into it and see what the house looked like.  I pulled into a short gravel driveway that seemed to be in the correct location.  I looked at the numbers across the street to make sure of my placement.  However, the house in front of me looked vacant.  The driveway I was in was next to a large fenced yard.  The house was set back; far from the street.  I had to strain my eyes to look at it.  Remember, the street was dark in the first place.  The house itself was old and shabby looking.  No lights were on anywhere.  The door was set in an alcove that I would have to walk into first, after going through the gate in the fenced yard.  No matter how hard I looked I couldn't see any numbers.  I sat there for a little less than a minute thinking about how to proceed.  Go up to the scary dark house even if I don't know if it's the right one?  No way, my friend.  I was about to pick up my phone to give the customer a call when someone emerged from the darkness that was the front door. He turned on a light and waved me up.  I got out of my car with the food and asked him if this was the right place.  He seemed confused by my question.  Like he didn't realize how incredibly dark and creepy his house looked.  It was indeed his order so I finally walked up to the door to complete the transaction.  As I went up, I looked around for numbers to see if I was just being blind.  Nope.  No numbers.

My friends.  This is a true story and not a rare occurrence.  Any delivery driver will tell you - if it's the only dark house on the street, it's probably the one you're going to.  Did you know you could get your pizza delivered to you so much faster if you simply took a couple of steps to make your house easier to find?  Numbers on the house that are easily visible would be a great start!  I deliver to so many houses that don't have numbers on them.  How do these people expect me to find them?  They want me to guess which door to knock on at one o'clock in the morning?  I've knocked on the wrong door at that time before.  It's not a happy moment.  People get pretty angry.

Go outside and take a look at your numbers.

Are they behind trees? I delivered to a place just the other night whose numbers were behind very thick bushes. I didn't see them until I actually got to the door.

Are they the same color as your house or bronze?  Just so you know, numbers that match the color of the house are not visible at night time.  There's a house I deliver to that has this issue.  The first time I went there the lady came out and angrily waved me down like I was some sort of idiot for not seeing her camouflaged numbers.  Last time I went to that house, her kids made me stand outside for 15 minutes while they did who knows what on the inside.  I almost left.

Do you have numbers on your mailbox or curbside? I love these things! It makes finding a house so much easier.  I can't see them on the house so my eyes immediately go to the curb or the mailbox out on the street.

Do you even have numbers?  I don't care if you just painted or whatever.  Do you realize the purpose of house numbers?

Secondly - where the heck is your porch light?  I can't see house numbers without a porch light.  I can't make out if you're home or not.  I can't see when we're doing the money transaction.  And, honestly, it's darned scary walking up to a completely dark house, even if I know it's the right one.  The ones I love are the customers who turn on the porch light when they come to the door.  Thanks, friend.  That would have helped me five minutes ago when I was trying to find your house.  I went to a house once who apparently forgot to pay the electric bill.  I asked if they had a porch light or any light on the inside or anything.  We had to do the credit card transaction via the glow of his cell phone.  Ridiculous.

I try to thank people who do have their lights on.  I really appreciate it.  Not only does it make it easier on me, it makes it so the customer gets his or her food faster! If I can see the numbers on the house and the light is on, then I don't spend all that time driving up and down the street or sitting in a driveway deciding on how scary the house is.

Something that warms my heart is when the customer turns off the porch light after I leave.  When I see that, I know that he turned that light on just for me.  He was thinking things through.  He was thinking from my perspective instead of just his own.  Totally awesome.

Moral of the story, my friends?  You want to get your food faster and avoid a disgruntled driver?  Get a porch light and turn it on!  Click here for some more advice on how to make your house more visible.

Until next time!

A disappointing analysis

A project I did for my Journalism class. Enjoy.

The Joys of Closing

Pets on delivery - The First

I love when I get a warning at the door!

While on delivery I never know what's going to happen at the door.  It could be anything.  Small children screaming, adults screaming, music blasting, the disgusting smells of the pack-rat, the delicious smells of the baker, etc. But I know what to prepare for when I hear one thing: I walk up to the door and all is quiet.  I reach out my hand to knock when suddenly, upon the first touch of knuckle to door, there is a massive explosion of barking on the other side.  I've heard so many different kinds: the hound dog, the ankle biter, the excited, and the protective.

When I hear this explosion, I know that I need to be prepared for whatever is going to shoot out that door and I tighten my grip on my pizza bag in preparation.  Twice, so far, I've been left standing at the door holding pizzas, completely dumbfounded as dog took off running down the street.  The owner shoots out the door running after the dog cussing up an angry storm, leaving me behind wondering what I should do next.

Not all dogs are bad, though.  I see so many that are so well behaved.  Some of them simply crack me up. There are many dogs that will remain in my memory for a very long time.

One of them is an English Bulldog.  I've delivered to his home about three times now.  As soon as I knock on the door I can hear him on the other side.  He doesn't bark, though.  He snorts.  This dog is so excited when the door opens.  He doesn't run and jump on me or anything (I think he might be too fat), he paces around the door snorting like a hungry piggy, almost to the point of hyperventilation.  I just want to cuddle him and give him loves.  His owners laugh at my reaction to him every time.  And tip pretty well, too!

Dogs make great conversation pieces at the door.  I delivered to a house that had a Boston Terrier who was missing an eye.  I made a comment about it and got a story about how one of the bigger dogs hit him and it took his eye out. They're waiting for doggy goggles to come in the mail.  Apparently this is something that people commonly use for dogs like the Boston Terrier.  Since he's got buggy eyes, they're in more danger of injury, so they get doggy goggles to protect the eyeballs.  I learned something new that day.

So this will be my first of my "Pets on Delivery" series.  As my stories come, I will continue to post them here.  Hopefully I can get some good ones to provide a little bit of entertainment for you.

I will simply leave you today with word of advice, my friends - If you have a runner and you order pizza, prepare for my arrival! You know I'm coming.  Put your dog in the back room when I knock on the door.  It would make our transaction so much easier in the end.  And you don't have to stand at the door kicking your dog back.

Until next time!

Do Not Feed Banana

On our delivery tags we have a section for special directions to assist the driver to arrive in a timely manner. There are notes like "second house on the left" or "walk path to side of house." When customers order online, they have control over what is written in that section. More and more customers have been finding this feature and have been writing some interesting directions. We consider ourselves to be a fun bunch, so we try to humor them whenever we can. Most of the time the directions will tell us to draw something on the pizza box. A few weeks ago I drew a pretty rockin' T-Rex with a jet pack. I was proud of it, anyway.

Just the other day, one of my coworkers came up to me and asked me an interesting question. He says, "Have you ever delivered to the banana?" My immediate response was a gasp of surprise accompanied by, "Yes! Did you deliver to the banana?"

A couple months ago I picked up my delivery to put in the bag and the directions on the tag said, "Do not feed banana." I stared at it for a few seconds, wondering if I had read it right.  I asked around to see if this was a phone order and what anyone thought of the directions.  Finally, I just decided I would see what it meant when I got there.  That sort of thing happens a lot.  I'll get directions on a delivery tag that make no sense whatsoever - until I arrive on location and everything becomes clear.  So I take the banana delivery.

This was at a house I've delivered to several times before.  I think it's just a bunch of college kids who live there.  So I knocked on the door and upon the door opening, I found myself face to face with a grown man (young adult, I suppose) in a child's banana costume.  There was a short moment of us just looking at each other.  He then reaches his arms out excitedly for the food, expecting me to give it to him.  Of course, I have been directed to not feed the banana, so I told him so.  His eyes went down and he slumped in sadness but then perked up and tried reaching for the food again.  As he did so, someone else came running around the corner screaming, "NO! No, Banana!  No food for you!  You do not get pizza.  NO! Get back! Go away!"  The banana man then runs away in terror and I complete the transaction with the mostly normal man, receiving a five dollar tip for playing along.

Moral of the story?  Have fun! Be silly! Give big tips!  JK on the last part. Kinda.  But really, the whole experience was a lot of fun, made my night, and gave me a great story to tell.  So thank you, Anderson House.  I appreciate you guys.